Just Like That!

my blog has moved to http://rajanadar.com

2011-12-27T07:14:00.000-08:00

hello folks,

my blog has moved to http://rajanadar.com

thank you for visiting my blog. i have been writing so much non-sense, that i'm moving all of them to my personal site. http://rajanadar.com now on, all updates will be on my personal site.

yours truly,
IQ 60 genius..

the translation

2010-05-16T15:36:00.001-07:00

there's just something about lazy sunday afternoons..

the imaginary voice in my head has to come up with some ideas..

well, travesty of an idea, if it has to be translated...

there’s a script, a production, a business;

the direction, a transformation of arts;

from process to a celluloid to be seen;

a translation of idea to magic on screen.

there are steps, a name, and a movement;

an orchestra, tunes, harmonious figment;

the people, the grace, the flair, the hands,

a translation of order into music and dance.

there’s a noble thought, and the profits;

a funding, a research and there’s science;

endless moments, rights and the wrong;

a translation of enterprise to innovation.

there are trusses, patterns, the forces;

a design, a blue-print, the structures;

the architects, the lines, and the mesh;

a translation, dimensions to living monuments.

there’s a thought, a motive, the gain, highness;

an eccentricity, soliloquy, an inexplicableness;

the actors, the puppets, the butterfly effects;

a translation of a form from mind to the minds.

all along, there’s a start, an objective form;

a capital, so concrete, the obviousness;

a change, from routine to serene, subjective;

a translation, which just raises questions.

what if there’s a pattern, to be lived out;

a base work, already put down, abstracted out;

the stage is the world, we are acting out;

a translation, just to find the meaning of it all.

all the moments mean something, no matter what;

a translation they await, we'll never be aware!

nothing but friendship

2010-03-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

I think this is my biggest scribbling so far…

back in my graduation years, my friend asked me to scribble something about friendship. in a way I had never done before.

now I was always taunted/dared by my friends to scribble on random stuff… like a pencil box, the pencil in the box, the drawing of the Donald duck in the box, the compass which was never used, the small napkin which was used in the box to hold all the content.. a school bag, a name-label pinned to the shirt, cork openers and what not! i scribbled shamelessly on each of these.. raw and lame.. as blatant as it gets…

after reading all that, they told me, I wasn’t capable of scribbling a huge huge huge, mushy mushy, poetically clichéd, grandeur sounding piece.. on a typical poetic subject… I said, “try me!” and they gave me a couple of subjects… one was ‘love’ and the other was ‘water’ I think..

that same week, my other friend asked me to write something on friendship.. and I thought why not. so here goes the humongous, giant, clichéd, lame, but still heart-felt words that I scribbled…

I don’t expect you to read it and even if you do, not without a lunch and tea-break. took a while for me, to get this e-copy from my 6 journal pages.

so here goes a big nothing..

friendship and friends are forever,
His noblest blessing and favor;
one of many gifts; rarest of rare,
we thank him to make life so fair.

forgetting to bless the flowers with a soul,
the chance of a sweetest thing denied;
gifted it to friendship; the pinnacle;
showering gems with elegance personified.

bond begins with unknown unseen countenances;
grows with the joyous n pleasing acquaintances;
so somber the heart and soul, in its absence;
grows fonder n fonder; so much in the presence.

the twilight of comradeship; begins to surge,
brilliance of twinkling stars; ready to merge;
hearts, thoughts n expressions then coalesce;
to accomplish nothing but the simple fragrance.

oozing with delight, begins the journey of friendship;
brightens every moment, guiding through hardship;
sharing the ups and downs, the heavenly solace;
memories of the close moments, come back as roses.

purity of morning dew; on the fresh grass;
and the silken touch of the velvet gaze;
playing puppy reminiscent of innocence;
the grace of sunrise and the sunset’s daze.

the feeling holds your hand, touches your heart;
the warmth to lean on and pick up your friend;
the passionate tenderly love of Motherhood!
o’friendship! what more a word do you need?

like the resting fragrance on hand giving the flower,
the scent of friendship stays around you forever;
feel it, touch it, sense it, always there in the breeze;
the charisma of this emotion is the greatest fetish.

fills the day with colors n absolute pleasantness;
turns the saturnine air into a satin fondness;
makes you rejoice on the divinity on the earth;
pensiveness n dejection, pepped up to sheer mirth.

leaves memorable sandprints in the passage of time;
any cold heart can be touched, by friendship sublime;
a moment of togetherness, cherish and treasure;
recollection of each, ahh! the utmost pleasure.

special is the relationship and the glorious bliss;
even siblings can’t fill in their moments missed;
know not, how time marches together in gratitude,
realize the painful delight, in my heart’s solitude.

what is it that bonds two unacquainted beings?
attachment, making us think of them every moment;
wishing they could be here, sharing every moment;
wishing they would be here, when we need them the most.

the silken thread of friendship binds two hearts;
assures you there is always someone to rely on;
a life long gem to be preserved and polished;
you know it’ll be there till eternity unfolds.

when the comforting grace begins to diminish;
and the soothing caress seems to be missing;
melancholy taking its toll, a friend is all you need;
momentarily there is none! that is agony indeed.

circumstantial pettiness, rise their necessary heads;
every friendship is trialed through minor menaces;
deep in you, you know the fragrance will call you;
entire act is just to re-realize the simple value.

giving its fair share in the delightful melodrama;
flourishing autumn of togetherness huddles;
exaggerated sweetness of joy after a trauma;
as friends exult in their ever loving cuddles.

when you need someone to talk to, to lean on;
a presence of the caring shoulder, you keen on;
when you feel alone, the spirits need a lift;
you know you have one; its ever so swift.

when you know, someone’s there to travel with you;
obstacles diminish on the way; sorrows then smile;
a gentle touch of comfort, drives away all worries;
golden moments, etched on as the timeless memories.

amazing is the healing power in the affection;
distances depression, better than the best – time;
majestic comforting touch of your dear friend;
amazing granule and aspect of the golden marble.

a delicacy is not a delicacy, which lacks some spice;
and is friendship dull, with no mischief n insanity;
down the line you always are the genuine friend;
little forgetfulness, lots of humor, adds to the beauty.

nothing can dampen it, it’ll keep blossoming;
refreshes the soul and lends the awesome swing;
we can bask in its glory and the jubilant sunshine;
a scene of playful lambs in tree shade – always fine.

in the fast paced life, where life moves so swiftly;
we miss affectionate embracing moments bitterly;
value of the time spent with loved ones, invaluable;
momentous pleasure is in friendship – the royal jewel.

time and time again, god has shown us the way;
call them Gandhi, or call them mother Teresa;
he sent them all; he sent gautam, he sent jesus;
and all of this for just a pure message for us.

flashing waves of friendship give us reasons to smile;
nostalgic yesteryear memoirs give us reasons to smile;
begins with gratitude n liking, roots that can be pulled up;
novelty becomes part n parcel of life – and first nature.

fabulous is the fantastic felicity.
rapturous is the rhapsodic raceme.
impinging is the iconic identikit.
ebullient is the excellent ecstasy.
nonchalant is the nice nocturne.
dashing is the dramatic dazzlement.
soothing is the solacing sanctity.
halcyon is the hugging harmony.
intimate is the immaculate inflorescence.
perfect is the praiseworthy premiership.

no matter what expansive words you use;
to describe the caliber of this emotion;
it is nothing but a simple heartfelt feeling;
an incomparable delight, a class of its own!

thousand words have put down a description;
the feeling, the touch, and the emotion;
each day brings a new experience to our liking;
that’s what makes this fairy tale, so striking.

men are mortal, but their ideas are immortal;
oceans of flowers depart, fragrance stays on;
time leaves us, eternity accompanies forever;
friends come and go, but a friendship stays.

infinite emotions attached, each moisten the eyes;
you know the intensity, when you experience realize;
there’s lot more to friendship; words can never forward;
lots more to it, best conveyed when just left unsaid…

o’lord, no matter what thou hath in store for me, in life’s haze;
always give me the strength to keep the smile on my friend’s;
here’s all my prayers dedicated to thee; to bless my friends;
joy and thousand reasons to smile, that’s all I ask for them.

all the hearts

2010-02-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

i think this one is from my school days, though it doesn't really matter.. i don't know why i wrote like this, back then..

there were a few essays to be written on 'National Integration' and a couple of poems to be scribbled on 'Unconditional Goodwill'.. the essay on 'National Integration' got selected and was presented in 'Mani Bhavan' in Bombay, where Gandhiji seemed to have resided when in Bombay, back in his days.

but the piece of crumpled paper with these lines, stayed with me all these years..

so here goes nothing as usual..

don't stop till you win all the hearts

don't matter how hard are the fights;

don't ever tell them, about the nights,

till the first and last of the hearts.

won't kill you, just let go a while;

it ain't improving; till you shine,

can't give up; and let that happen;

don't turn away; even for a while.

can't go down;can't ever look away

don't say can't do; keep'em at bay;

chase the colors; king of the sea;

dare the landscape; that's the view.

never ever you break down and weep;

unless to make you stronger n deep;

never tell them the part ofyou; weak,

no one has clue as to what to seek.

it ain't matter in the end; nothing;

it ain't bothering anyone; everything;

burn, the might, silence and the lights;

n don't ever stop; till all the hearts!

that ignorance

2010-01-29T06:42:00.000-08:00

last week or so, i was in India and i was reading my scribblings from junior college and also stumbled upon some snaps.. it just reminded me, of how i was back then..

i sometimes think why i don't stumble randomly into one of those people.. with people constantly saying 'small world', i am sure they are lurking around close by..

on my flight, the girl sitting in front of me had an uncanny resemblance to one of my college friend..

but i am sure she wasn't her, as this girl was korean. when we spoke, she told me her name and that she was from some place sounding like, 'dungeon'...

i have no idea how to spell her name or place, and i feel nasty.. i am sorry for that.. (now don't ask me how/why my college friend looked korean?)

it put me back onto the thoughts of my college years... it kept reminding me of how i was..

sometimes.. just weird things trigger some scribblings.. this is one i scribbled on my flight...

of the years speeding like the road side;

of the things falling in place, who knew,

of all the care, or the lack of it beside;

of all the love, that'll break n make you.

of an event till it happens to you,

the context, till you in the loop;

silence till you know how it sounds,

of rediscovery, how you were once.

the search, only when you tumble it dawns,

only the compulsion makes you see, a pause;

of things simplifying, how much you hope;

weird epiphany though you are not that type,

maybe it is just awesome; to the extent;

all the weaving around us; we are ignorant;

so much that it tangles; when you try to think more n more;

untangles if you let go; and just be the best of who you were..

a beginner's scribbling

2010-01-20T15:00:00.000-08:00

i came across some delightful little (for me...for you, annoying/obnoxious/indifferent) scribblings of mine, from my school/college years..

tidbits of hand-written paper hidden in more tidbits of paper... zero treasure

some of the school ones could get me incriminated.. so i'll chuck those for now..

the following is something i scribbled for my college magazine (yes.. actually published) when i was in my first year of college.. (roughly around 65 million years ago, when the Tyrannosaurus were still a nightmare to the cats around)

it is one of my favorites, for 2 reasons.. 1. it pretty much summed up my ability to scribble and annoy you....

so here goes nothing as usual...

don't mistake me as a poet,

and i know not how to write;

with pen & paper in my hand,

i just scribble for delight.

i've heard of many poets,

experts at writing verse;

like them, some do good humor,

like me, some get simply worse.

therefore before writing the poem,

nothing natural comes to my sight;

and by writing this poem,

i just give my mind a flight.

i want to write something inspiring,

i want to write something cheerful,

but the thought of exploring ideas,

has made my heart so tearful.

i want to write something funny,

but i know not how to start;

thinking about a beginning itself,

has torn my tiny brains apart.

now i really think of writing

something very elegant; but

there are so many poets around,

that all my ideas become moot.

thought i'll end the quarrel,

as i fail at the initial hurdle;

and i realize taking on a bull-dog;

certainly not the work of a poodle.

well, i am very very sorry, as of now;

because of my plight, i cannot write;

my hollow head with a lack of thought;

by jove! it just cannot become light.

stereotypes

2010-01-18T05:15:00.000-08:00

pretty girl ahead in the queue,

a pic with guitar, chair and he;

faces in the flight, as i step on the aisle;

from start to end of a day, a sight of all.

progress of food, morning work,

a lovely dizzy feeling of her;

in mine and yours, all thoughts and voices;

cool persona, drive way, and the pleasantries.

growing up, quiet or telling me,

with a flair on, or runnig money;

forward, hazy, twisted; as you like it;

standing still; indifferent; how i like it.

lights of the roads, wheel rolling,

a kiss from the night; all journeys;

marching ryhtms; quiet four walled emotions;

farthest depths; no one escapes Stereotypes;

they are not one of them; what everyone believes;

great part is no one really gets the stereotypes;

rainfall song

2010-01-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

my friend and i have a good laugh, about our delusions of playing some guitar songs together. basically i suck at it, and plan to suck a little more by the end of the year.

next to traveling all across the world, my aim is to write and compose a guitar song (think, i should think plural?)

the problem is mastercard works for the former.. the latter needs a little head.

sometimes i look at my past scribblings and see if something fits in for a lyrics... its so appalling that i give up..

and then i attempt again...

the roads are wet

see the shimmering colors in the drop

and i'm all set

for i'll get you soon, the silent clop

is this what it takes to get you..

i'll let the rain drops to hit you..

i keep walking..

and the rain keeps falling..

no matter what

i keep walking..

and the rain keeps falling..

i see your eyes

as the pavement flows in the cloud

and there's your door

dripping, i come seeking your floor..

not that i want to ring a bell..

i return splashing and all fell..

i keep walking..

and the rain keeps falling..

no matter what

i keep walking..

and the rain keeps falling..

a click of wood

my heart yearns for a call from you

a feeling sad

changes as the rain now hits you

i let the rain do all the talking..

they got me here with the walking...

now we keep walking..

and the rain keeps falling..

no matter what

we keep walking..

and the rain keeps falling..

i miss the words

2010-01-01T09:33:00.000-08:00

thudd.. thudd.. her soft feet pound,

on the toes, heels not on the ground;

the white frock, kept swirling around;

like a ballerina, cute round and round.

a pony-tail, and a dimple so charming;

her palms, soft as the angel's voice;

the aura, and the good luck swirling;

the smile, i'll let go of the words, shh!

the green, the blues, and the pink;

one look, i am mesmerized to blink;

the mischievous beauty, not a chink;

for eons, i stood and didn't blink.

to happen, collage of a moment,

yet i see them, as if of the past;

my sense of time, and sense lost;

i lean on the fence, blushing smile;

she keeps jumping, once in a while;

a glance of me, and its worth-while;

i miss the words, just see the smile.

there's no ship

2009-12-30T09:36:00.000-08:00

a shot of laziness, on a bark of leisure,

i lay on the net, watching with pleasure;

a whizz of steps, on a rush of ground,

scurried intentions of them, i see around.

some thoughts are same, some to look up;

shall i tell a lie, they surpise me a lot;

don't want to look up, and no to look down;

just count me out, for you already scorn.

back to the beach, i am glaring at the sun;

i see them all, they are looking for a gain;

every moment, towards every want of life,

confused, convinced, they put the strife.

some are gems, some are rats, most: blind,

for every window of time, a phase of life;

they pack all things; and check the list,

and wait for it, as if arriving is a ship.

then i see the few, whom i really like;

the crazy ones, the world doesn't get;

flying, don't care, on the face ones;

wary of the next phase, still crazy ones.

more than they not knowing, there's no ship;

they don't care, if there's a ship to catch.

dog blog..

2009-11-29T16:50:00.000-08:00

it was 3 am.. and i was working in my office that day/night/morning.. whatever you want to call it.. i took a break and was staring at the vending machine as usual trying to hypnotize it for a bar.. most of the times, it doesn't work..

suddenly, i heard some creaking/crawling noises on the other end of my corridor.. curiously, i followed the noises.. on the far end of the cubicles, the sound increased with scurried movements and all.. i paced up and checked the offices to find a cat pounce suddenly into the vicinity..

i have no idea, how a lonely cat ends up in the office at 3 am.. probably the cat was thinking the same about me..

i didn't know what to do exactly.. so i looked up the security desk number, and asked them to take care of it..

interesting to know, what it takes to decide on the same course of action in India...

anyways, after the paw-y scar, i resumed work.. by the time i was done, i was tired and left at 5 am.. now, on my way back out of the open parking, i stumbled across the same cat.. i didnt think much of it (as this blog proves) and left..

i reached home, parked and it was cold.. i started humming a song as usual.. partly because i was listening to the same, and mostly because the cold was shivering the hell out of me.. i.e. most of me..

"i'm unbreakable, unstoppable, i'm invincible," and all those -bles.... possible

and i heard 2 dogs barking straight at me.. 5:30 am in front of my house... they would have startled anyone.. including me.. and they did.. now one of them was a Labrador and the other was a grownup post-hit-in-a-costco-truck-survivor type of rat... so i'm guessing a chihuahua..

i was singing.. and obviously this made them very unhappy and agitated.. i wonder when these traits passed on to the canine group from humans.. nevertheless..

now, who walks their dogs at 5:30 am in that cold? and who barks at my songs? (it's rhetorical.. so hold it)

the girl who had a leash on the dogs... said a hello.. and i said.. 'the barking was totally uncalled for..' i had listened to me before, i thought for some time and said.. 'the barking was a little uncalled for..'

she smiled and said.. "maybe they identify with you.." i said, 'sarcastic.. terrific."

i went home and went to bed.. i put on a playlist and my desktop background had a labrador and a cat.. sitting and staring at me.. cheeky..

show - first words

2009-11-26T01:13:00.000-08:00

i had the most different 3-4 months.. of my working time so far.. lot of adjectives come to me, but 'different' always fits in...

i have lost count of the quiet thoughts, that flash through.. tempers soaring high, changes happening left right, odd hours, constant weight, head down perseverance, high stakes, lonely times and a few things on the self front..

i have no idea, how sanity prevailed.. but i know that i am tired.. exhausted..

i say all these, simply because i am narcissistic and have a big head.. in reality, these things are insignificant, irrelevant and immaterial.. not a big deal at all...

lately few other things have joined the party to gobble up time.. contra, ninja, tv shows, video songs, my scribbles.. obsession level..

i have so much fun with them that i decided, things need to change.. hence i got mario, excite bike, halo 3 too.. and if that doesn't change things.. i need to get nfs/forza with the racing wheel and also start scribbling something else..

anyways, i was thinking of the tv shows i watch and enjoy, alone/with my friends.. and its ridiculous when i try to associate them with the first symbolic words/phrases that i can think of...

as such, you could stop reading here (if you have reached so far) or continue to, if the migraine hasn't hit yet.. so here goes nothing..

Fringe: freaky

House: you SOB.. everybody lies, everybody cries..

The Big Bang Theory: (knock knock) funny, (knock knock) funny, (knock knock) funny!

How I Met Your Mother: When will I... (wait for it)..... know about the Mother!

Two and a Half Men: Hi Alan, Jake, Rose, Berta...... Satan!

Numb3rs: what doesn't mix, if fbi and calculus can!

The Office: Blunder Shuffling! This is Wham!

Heroes: Now there are more Heroes..

It's always Sunny in Philadelphia: Beer, Dee, And a Gang happy and gay!

V: ??

Scrubs: Newbie, i'm no superman. that's what i am talking about.. lack of imagination, five. backbone barbie..

Lost: fate, damn it! run.

24: i'll explain in the car.. (rajnikanth should name all his movie 2.5)

Entourage: freeflowing chicks and kicks

He-Man: the strongest man on a pink spaghetti top and purple bottoms

Planet Earth: human beings are the blot!

Sit Down Shut Up: looks like mom calling..

Charmed: the power of rice will drive our choice.

Jeeves and Wooster: Yes, Indeed Sir!

Friends: could it be any more.. oh wait.. deja vu... how u doing?

Seinfeld: nothing! that's a shame.. it's not a lie if you believe it..

Mr. Bean: spotlight, focus, action! crrrrraaaaazzzzzzyyy

Arrested Development:

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Tobias: Butterscotch! Want a lick?

Prison Break: of alcatraz, shawshank and origami! michael, what's the plan?

dancing blurs

2009-11-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

of late, i have been writing a lot.. (not good stuff obviously) i was writing a couple of totally different things..

my friend read some of the bits.. finally she told me, "congrats dude! you suck at versatile levels now"..

made my day... :) she is very considerate in her comments..

and i felt like taking a break from it..

what better way to scribble a few lines so worse and random, that i feel the former are better and get back to it..

so this becomes a post while i get back happily to the different stinking ones... here goes nothing..

finger tips, ripple the surface, rings;

extreme lights, the mecca a view sings;

too much the horses swiveled the dust,

as i rolled the lens, same sea and sand.

the crazy kids run on a focused sky-drop;

the fishing net, imprinting on the drops;

charred bricks and moss, diamond shapes;

the holi colors, slow speed, faces a prop.

under the sky, every city, colored roads;

the mahal, floors ahead in sulken cracks;

a lone camel, vast sand, orange skies;

there is longing, my frame has those colors.

the beghu folk dance flutters, on flames;

in space, the carvings and grace blurs;

a pilgrimage of child scribbled lines;

ashore a green top hill, the white lines.

magnifying lens, a beam and the sparks;

scorching to a hustling kiwi on ice;

forget a tripod, flash, filter, meter;

still i lock the dancing blurs! oh Snap!

the constant

2009-11-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite TV shows (and who's not) is 'LOST'.

simply for its directorial precision, especially in the earlier seasons. i cannot imagine how they connected the dots between every scene. and for most, the show rocks because of jack and sawyer, i guess.

and one of my favorite episodes is 'The Constant'.

this scribbling has nothing to do with the show or that episode.in fact it has nothing to do with anything (not even sense) as usual.

it's probably just the sunday afternoons which force out the monday words..

so here goes nothing.

oh, who am i kidding? must be myself;

shifts my mind to times, a turbulence;

as i return to the crest and troughs;

thoughts to n fro, jump through years.

it's ok! say closed eyes, be the past you;

shhh! say open eyes, here, lost are you;

not till the voice in my head freaks, quivers;

but spot on with the bearings; never wavers;

flashes don't mean anything, not even pain;

difficult it is in the maze, you can't train;

a car, a wall, an ear, a mirror; to rebound;

who am i kidding? it's only one i ever found.

a beam of energy hits, awakens, prodding;

i run through the maze again, toddling;

toggling my conscience, caught in warps,

i sit quietly, as i oscillate on the lapse.

then i know, an anchor, i need a constant;

i tell my voice not to change, i'll come;

as i search for it, no, its not solitude;

then i find, and its not anywhere else.

all this is me, imagining things;

i understand now, i make a big deal;

my voice asks, 'then why do you do it?'

i say, 'beats the hell out of me'.

when reasons go, stopping the thought;

guess still, one thing can go wrong;

and when everything goes wrong,

i know Murphy will be my constant.

CRY Standup Comedy

2009-11-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

recently i tried a stand-up comedy act, at a CRY charity event..

eventually i had to pay off the organizers, audience and the microphone guy to pull it off..

the laughter is a little muffled, because i didn't buy their brand of beer, to the audience. plus it could be remotely related to, what i was saying too... in any case, here goes nothing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYxn480uPcI

my grandfather did it better, when he just scratched the bellies of his grand-kids..

one thursday smile

2009-11-03T16:42:00.000-08:00

i had a nasty flu, last wednesday, thursday and friday.. in fact, i write this because of an interesting, yet ridiculous thing i realized..

i slept off on wednesday afternoon... then i remember friday.. i know i slept through thursday, with food n medicine obviously being sneaked in somehow. (though i have no idea when) and then there was friday..

now there are a lot of stuff you do when you are well 'n kicking... but when unwell, you just curl up.. (some do when well too) as much as i wondered what the hell happened to my thursday, i was just happy to get well.

its no big deal.. as nothing is.. i mean years run by like flipping pages.. decades pass by, in an instant.

but ONE WHOLE DAY going missing all of a sudden, amidst the running years, was weird for me. i don't remember a single instant of that day..

no matter how fast time appears to go, every night, there is one smile acknowledging the good day that passed... and i have the occurrence of one smile plucked out of the book of my thursdays.. no big deal, as nothing is..

probably there are many blank days, worse days, better things to feel weird of..
but the loss of that 'one thursday smile' was an interesting deviation..

the essay for CRY - children

2009-10-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

i am pretty happy, to post this scribbling..

this is part of an essay writing event, i participated for CRY Seattle.. the essay is also uploaded on the CRY site as a word doc..

you can find it here: CRY Essay on Children by Raja Nadar

Challenges of living with differently abled children

-By Raja Nadar

6. A.M in Meridith’s home. She is wary. But something drives her on. She wakes up Percy, who suffers from ADHD (Tourette’s). As a mother, if only she could feel for once, how it is to be a normal parent seeing her kid doing normal things. Instead, she sees the kid struggling on a Lego for hours. This mind is heavy with so many thoughts. Why my Child?

9. A.M in Roshini’s palace-sized home. Her kid, wheels around on a chair. She looks outside the window, where the common Locality, boasts of a garden with kids agile, nimble and playful. She gathers her strength and wishes she won’t break one day. “When will my kid be in that garden?”

12 Noon. Jack heads for school, but watches his brother James drooling behind. As much as mentally challenged James is, Jack would have loved for a Comrade. Instead, James is part of a school with ramps. The special school.

5 P.M. 13 year old Ron is wondering if he could ever be a surgeon. Big dream for a schizophrenic. The world tells him, “It is not going to happen”. The world “sycophantically” tells that.

The timings change, the geography changes. But the basic emotions remain the same. Somewhere along the challenges of being associated with these children, lies a gamut of emotions.

There is courage, hope and a drive. With mothers to make a ‘Forrest Gump’ out of their kids. There is the “silent cries” of their fathers. There is the wily happiness and genuine sympathies from the relatives. There is discouragement, despair, hopelessness to the core, from the world. And of course, there is discontent & disinterest when it comes to many.

The problem is that people feel, having a “differently abled” child is like having a “malfunctioning pivot” which drives the cogs of family machine. Anyone and everyone are affected. Life is different, the world looks different. Routines change. There is always that thought which needs to be echoed, “And for Pery, we can….” It is not easy.

First off, there is “Rejection” as the Primary feeling. “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?” Then there is “Anger and Frustration.” Our society works in a particular way. No matter how much they convince you, that everything is normal, you know, more of the opposite. Then there is “denial”. Maybe I don’t have the strength to go forward. And then there is “Acceptance”. Maybe this is how my life is going to be. I need to step up and be the one. These are not the 5 stages of “anything” that I am talking about. My cousin sister is “mentally challenged” and I know what her mom when through and goes through.

Immediate family, extended family, there is no end to the impact. It is a breaking feeling to see that one kid sitting alone, in its own world. Breaking, as a Mother, Father, Brother, Sister or anyone attached.

Words can never express the pain, resolve, character and hope that go with the challenges of living with those children. At the same time, words cannot condemn the “giving up” of individuals, the negative attitude, the discrimination mentality and the world showers upon such kids. Sometimes, one of our own abandons us for being different, for no fault of ours. Why don’t they believe that “I” could be a “Beethoven”, “Edison” or “Stephen Hawking?”

The one perspective we always forget is how the child feels. “A child’s mind is like wet cement. Anything that falls on it makes an impression.” And when the child sees “strength”, “belief” and “encouragement”; the making of a prodigy that seed.

7 P.M. and Meridith thinks. “Another day has passed”. 10 P.M and Roshini puts her kid to sleep. 11 PM and James has no idea of the time. And I watch my cousin, repeating the same set of sentences in a jumbled manner, ending with a seizure, which leaves her passed out and her mom in tears. There are challenges, nobody can deny that. The biggest of them is the “breaking of the Human will”.

But we continue. We sustain the will, to revive ourself and then deal with all the social and cultural challenges associated with a “Different” kid. As Thomas Berry, the American Eco-theologian said,

The child awakens to a universe. The mind of a child to the world of meaning. Imagination, to a world of beauty. Emotions, to a world of Intimacy. It takes a universe to make a child in both outer form and inner spirit. It takes a universe to educate a child. A universe to fulfill a child

- Thomas Berry.

Be it challenges of “Discrimination”, “Discouragement”, “Abandonment”, “Inequality”, “Education” or any differentiating evil, it is our vision and dreams, and more importantly our actions, which determine what these kids can become.

So let us be the “universe” who will fulfill every child, “differently abled or not”, we don’t differentiate. Let them achieve the fullest of their potential. Let every mother, Father and Being, rise to the challenges, and make a champion out of every kid.

I know I did my part towards my cousin, and I’ll continue to do toward all kids.

fear and the surge

2009-10-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

i am scared and nervous, on some days;

no no, not on most of the days;

though i feel it would be on most days;

a few good things, help make those days.

that leaves me with a few scary days;

the cowards never admit these scary days;

life behaves like a bad dog on these days;

even the strongs, act nervous on these days.

its not that i am strong or weak;

not even that i need support and all;

maybe not that i fear the loss of something;

its more often than not, a few of all these.

everybody has the same fears, i know typically;

yet like everybody, i feel i am the most dicey;

sleeping a little, delays the fears a little;

i know what things fix this, little by little.

as much as i fear the nerve-wracking thoughts;

as much as i am sad by the heart's quiet thoughts;

as much withered away by the erosion of resilience;

that much i am scared of those that solve my fears.

see, if my friend makes these fears go away;

see, if a sudden urge in me, makes these fears go away;

see, if the tears make these fears go away;

i fear that the friend, urge and the tears may go away.

there is the urge to fight, standing alone;

there is the urge to be the friend, and fight a fear;

there is an urge to keep quiet and pretend no fears;

as well to just droop and give up on the fears.

time passes by, and it shows ways of handling these fears;

they come and go, like seasons in phases, asking me;

no matter if i figure out an urge to win or lose these fears;

i fear the loss of that urge one day, rest with only the fears.

time passes, fears pass, urge passes, friends pass;

silence and resilience pass, helplessness and pretence pass;

then hope passes once in a while to hold on;

wonder when the string breaks, or just goes taut for a while.

the forgetting

2009-10-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

the rains were slashing very very hard today.. i was driving on the freeway with my friend, and it was a magical (not to mention very scary) experience, to wade through the waters. It was like an ocean pouring at 70 mph with blinding light..

I had never driven before with so much rain. scintillating.. couple of hours.. but somehow, this reminded me of the million moments we have in life (scintillating and the awful ones).. some we desire to etch, but fade.. some we decide to rinse, but stay engraved.. today was one such enthralling moment..

this is where my jumbled brain doesn't let go of the moments.. it will immediately apply a ridiculous epiphany to the experience.. I tried to hold it back a lot, but couldn’t… so here goes what it thinks..

“i love the fact that we are capable of forgetting the most mesmerizing things, remembering the most trivial ones and never ever it strikes us that we have forgotten some of our best moments or worst nightmares..

ironically, when you are right in the moment of the experience, there is nothing beyond that mist that you can see. sometimes you try to see from outside the frame, but there’s only as much you can scoop as much in the pan.. you try to think what it means as a whole..

nevertheless I like the forgetting.. i especially like the fading of all these moments.. no matter how many smiles, thoughts and tears these moments hold within them, they all fade eventually… for good or bad, I have no idea..”

the broken crystals come together invisible;

for a moment, it seems like a new beginning.

first loss of the mother’s fingers, the homesick fear;

first of feelings, when you don’t belong anywhere;

first thought, walking behind your brother alone;

first jitter, when home seems a long way far n gone.

then a comfort, when the world seems to fit in;

and the kids’ mocking laughter turns friendly;

then those songs take you back the avenues;

the books, the shop, the fights, brimmed eyes.

then the stars, absorbing a million yearnings;

then a phase, carving a season of memoirs;

as they topple, only to give way to others;

then the glitches, always keeping me honest.

first affection, first love, first content, of many;

when the inner tries to hold on to these many;

i still look forward, no matter how much it burns;

for all these moments to freeze forever like ice.

then the crystals break, all moments lost in them;

I wonder when the crystals come together again.

just a journey

2009-10-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

there are many people in this world who can just live a very pleasant life, based on what/where they are right now.. but they keep deciding to put in the effort every day and be the way, which probably got them to where they are..

sometimes, they probably stop and think back on why they should work so hard. they can just live through without the strain and struggle, and still have no one to answer.

yet, for some reason not all succumb to this.. some keep working and working, no matter what they are and how life can bend for them.. maybe there is more to gain that way.. maybe the journey is the destination..

two hand thumbs, on backpack straps

straps resting on the tiring shoulders;

shoulders of the hero, always strained;

strained on the unsaid morals of world.

world of unsaid paths to traverse ahead;

ahead of all mortals, carving like a guide;

guide for the next, guide for the roads;

roads in the middle of no land, no rains.

rains that trip the eye lids, forcing revert;

revert of a mind, worst of nature’s alert;

alert as he may be, the fallacies possess;

possess him to break the intransigence.

intransigence, that is the hero’s crime;

crime of the character, the self’s form;

form, that is unyielding to the signs;

signs of the opposition, cardinal sins;

sins he loathes, eggs himself to race;

race on the terrains closing the eyes;

eyes closed, show him the pleasant life;

life which can bend to his will, no strife.

strife, he embraces for those reasons;

reasons the heart knows, only it knows;

knows that the way is dusty, lone pain;

pain of aloofness, only misery to gain.

gain of the journey, the hero’s strength;

strength , second only to a future mirth;

mirth, the mortals will never be blessed;

blessed is he and just a journey in silence.

the wicked force

2009-10-12T05:05:00.000-07:00

lets just say, i am extremely happy today..extremely...

a lot of things got cleared up in my mind.. and all for good... when the interesting complex things make way, life can get back to the nice n mundane stuff..

and that is a very bad sign, because that means i am going to scribble some very random lines...

it is just weird that, the most unrelated words pop out, when my head is empty... very singular n unrelated, i must say...

so here goes nothing as usual...

red and blue, evil in the eyes;

thousand chains, buried in lies;

one bolt a while, ripping apart;

on mere ground, is wasted a dart.

lightning struck, a unicorn runs;

in shoveled snow, a boxter revs;

cave man sees, a car of future;

stoned winds, eager to nurture.

hot land, pissed steam, billowed;

mere presence and it shuddered;

reptile fangs, looks of a wolf;

of banished wrath, soaked in self.

corrupting minds, n running amok;

hatred bestowed, vultures creak;

the sea balks, wicked the curse;

trooper shoots, lost in the mist.

poisonous spread, ecstacy roots;

wily darkness, for scary drapes;

it corrodes your will, unaware;

one at a time, a good nightmare.

as the surge, feels like the kings;

sending power jolts in the nerves;

and the wicked force possesses you;

fiery eyes, burn-down looks of you.

it spikes n spikes, darkness throne;

higher and higher, emperor's throne;

till the wicked force gets hold of you;

slaying thoughts, wicked force in you.

immortal strength, by the wicked force;

infinite mist, owe it to the wicked force..

we are all blinded time and again... some with challenges, some with responsibilities, some with sadness.

the wicked forces never die.. they just disappear and reappear, time n again..

when they appear, they'll close down all doors, it doesn't matter how much you want to yell..

your voices will be muffled.. won't be heard..

and when they leave, well.. they don't so easily, unless you push the limits..

and they are just dormant.. dormant, till there is strength and a little smile.

i love the sea

2009-10-04T01:44:00.000-07:00

my head is in a fog, as I stand in sand kicking you;

then when the sand clears, and I regret the kicks;

not to be restrained, a fine gentleman are you,

it’s when I try to contain you, and start the tricks.

I am angry, I am pensive, I come to you for words;

as I return disappointed, you keep ignoring me;

every time, expecting the bliss, but it just jades;

festering, exploring, you just keep testing me.

on some days, I just want to tell you how happy I am;

on days, I earn to tell you what I am going through;

and then some days, exhausted, I just sit with you,

yet I always feel, it never makes a difference to you.

dejected I trod along the shores, talk to me sometimes;

elated if I feel, I want to share the sudden spiritedness;

you lash at me, you withdraw from me, you drain me;

every unified drop, shows the disintegrated part of me.

It’s not just once that I felt like hugging you forever;

but I know the barrier, you are great and I am small;

I look at you, and i see the world as a dot behind you,

you don’t look at me, the dot standing ahead of you.

you don’t flinch, phlegmatically you recline on the bed;

i can never understand your enormity, nor the thoughts;

days will elapse, my agonies will turn into faded memoirs;

all golden behavior will smoke away one day for sure.

paranoid, but I’ll keep coming to you, no matter what;

you keep waving, I’ll spoil my cheeks, dry and leave;

I like you, the sea, and there are no two ways about it;

I like you, the sea, maybe I just don’t know I am naïve.

not a word more than this, I like you, the sea, very much;

I like you like never before, and nothing will change much.

godspeed 3

2009-10-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

continued from godpseed2

before I got on with the day’s work, I remembered G’s supposedly parting words, a day ago. "You’ll believe me tomorrow, godspeed!"

i had intentions of listening to some music, not facing it.

I stopped pondering in a minute as usual, and got on with the day..

148th Ave is a beautiful drive, this time of the year. the drizzle, seeping drops on the shield, the colorful road ahead. it’s like playing NFS (if you like it) alone on those forest-style drives, with no time to beat..

the drive is somewhat less beautiful, if you have a sudden disturbing intrusion of G beside you. for once i imagined, "howdy, dude?" "dandy, u moron!" but just a thought..

G gave me the smirking look at this thought of mine hinting something like, "get out of here... you and your thoughts!" i had forgotten, G read my thoughts before i thought of them.

it just sat there silently, not speaking… i was humming my songs before G arrived.. and now i didn't know what to do… so i just continued humming… a little time elapsed, and then a little more. i was wondering, "what the heck! is my office eluding me?"

it seems G was not in a mood to speak.. that is a little bit of a problem. because all these years, i have always enjoyed the company of great talkative people who spoke much, behaved funny n weirdly, were famous, and ensured i could scrape through quietly in their company, without ever being put in a spot or sticking to worldly stuff. sometimes people never knew i existed or thought i might be 'dumb' literally.. i mean 'literally' too.

G smiled… it enjoyed the talkativeness of my thoughts. i stopped enjoying the scenery around me, and was about to hit the freeway.

G opened the moon roof without bothering to ask/look at me, and started looking at the skies. then a smile and then the roof being closed. this is where i avoid saying, "come on! speak up! say what you came to say, don't do funny stuff."

the drizzles changed to pounding rain all of a sudden, then stopped, it brightened increasingly, decreasingly, it became cooler and cooler and then suddenly the lights dimmed... the sky turned orange...

now, either i was hallucinating or had gone crazy (i don't know the difference).. it was a perfect evening setup... i thought "what the ...." i noticed i had traveled just a couple of blocks but in the opposite direction it seems… the street numbers were decreasing instead of increasing..

and all this happened in a few seconds.. i noted down the time and was confused to see, it showed evening 7 p.m. same day.

i had set out in the morning... probably i was getting immune to strange things or always, felt at the back of my mind, that something like this can happen. so i didn't react at all.

i waited for G. G waited for me... i said, "now what? office or home?" at that moment i realized, i was on the other side of the road and already returning for home.. i should admit i liked such work days, and cherished the brief feeling of returning home. It seemed G disagreed with that thought. then i got a call from my friend... i answered, "yo..cartoon, 'sup?"

she said, "what's up? you were supposed to ping me today for the plans.. where were you all day?" i said.. "you tell me.... i have no idea.." "do you ever talk sense? anyways, i will meet up with you in an hour.. see ya then.. stay home."

"what plans? who was she? what ping?" i didn't expect these questions from G and it lived up to my expectations.. G was not the interested or curious type, it seems. it is always a little annoying for people to find fellow people in a conversation, who have utter disinterest.. i have always found it a little amusing, for some reason. Such people end up as strangers or couples.

back to the crux, and i was still clueless on the purpose of G n it's visit.. but it was new.. i began thinking, what happened to my food, work, other activities today.. how does the day just zap off...

G interrupted my thoughts, n said "i need to explain a few things to my higher ups, for what I did."

i said, "what now?"

and then the coveted second set of G's words.. "i just forwarded the day for you.. it was a very very jinxed day from you people's perspective, trust me. right from the time you hit the freeway.. the bad exit, flashes, corrupted words, critical appointment, and the misunderstanding with your friend.. "

i said, "ow oww.. hang on! i never entered the freeway.." G said, "yeah, of course you didn't."

i knew my last recognizable memory was going to office.. but i knew, some weird deja vu' feeling meant that, some moments in between were corrupted, lost, erased or something.. it is difficult to think, when your brain doesn't co-operate in your thought process..

its like a dream, where you remember everything when you are dreaming and lose count of every scene when you get up.. so much, that you begin to think, if you even had a dream..

i had a weird feeling about all this.. but somehow things looked okay, as i looked around.. back to the pleasant road, but G was gone.. i tried to convince myself that, i didn't believe in G... i am not very good at convincing myself over such crazy things..

the boy who spoke silently

2009-10-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

this is something of a bizarre-relation to what my friend told me about 5 yrs ago. she told me that "all the events of this world", "all the restless beings in this world" and "one satisfied person, enjoying his life moments" are connected somehow and the "ignorant person" is the master. i never understood what she meant, probably because she explained to me, something like below..

here goes nothing...

what the mortals seek, oh they don't wish;

for afraid they are, on grant of the wish,

spotless beauties have run the world so far;

bizarre, the merry go round has come so far.

on his verdict, the world moves fast flips;

carving way, fanatic respect, to the boy;

inter-twined fingers, indexes on the lips;

king-maker, who is he? immortal is the boy.

moving mountains, slashing blades answer to him;

shrinking down, he turns normal, when in town;

little time on Earth, little elsewhere whim;

grand scheme of things, the boy wears the crown.

the bodies revolve, we crack our brains to find;

the answer to every event and all the events;

its all figured out, laid out, the mist n blind;

pity of ignorance, drive of mind, drive the quest.

the boy has a lone room, a theater and the Game;

of stories and fame, the boy must not ever think;

just keeps playing in a cube lighted on all four;

every moment, drives silently, the world's brink.

you, me and they

2009-09-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Time, you keep flowing, i won't say ticking;

Earth, you keep going one sided and dizzy;

Music, you keep up with the notes, dancing;

Words, you prove me dyslexic, n look fuzzy

Faith, why won't you once, step along with me?

Fate, that doesn't mean you always deserted me!

Reason, you do conflict with my utmost desire?

World, your morality and my code is ice n fire.

Honesty, you are a difficult friend of mine,

Prudence, for a reason i am crossed with you;

Hatred, i don't like you in the vicinity;

Humor, you are my defensive shield, affinity.

Ego, he goes, she goes, all go down for you;

Back, to the walls, so why the high head?

Phoney, i make of all different men like you;

Creator, lone strength, everybody will dread.

You, you keep me honest n famous, like no one else does;

Me, just glad, you watch over thoughts actions of mine;

You, you give me a lot of happiness, infinite thoughts;

Me, a mere drop, irrelevant, immaterial in your pattern.

music, me and wendy's

2009-09-26T02:36:00.000-07:00

some of these lines are from my collection of personal tid-bits that i jot down when i feel like... these are very random ones..

as usual, they'll be full of ........

this is my 100th post.. not that i am going to scribble something good for a change, or do worse than what i do.. nevertheless, here goes nothing....

"raasaaa! a kiss on the cheeks and the everlasting hug, with ruffled hair.." my grandma, when i visited my native place.. 4-5 yrs old..

"i need more idlis.." me to my mom when i was 5.. "you already had many..now let's get ready else, you'll doze off in the school bus and class.."

to my mom, "he learned the alphabets and numbers in a day.. there is nothing much i do apart from that.. you can put him in first grade straightaway.." one of the few educated people in my old bombay locality. she used to teach alphabets to kids at her place..

"ma, you are not tired, waiting for me for 2 hours, every day..?" me to my mom, when she waited for my 4th grade extra classes, outside the school gate. "i am, but it all goes away when i see you back.. "

"don't feel shy.. don't be scared.. everybody is scared.. they don't show it..it doesn't matter who you are.. no one can make you feel inferior without your consent!" - my 4th grade english teacher..

my 5th grade teacher to me, for the class prefect "you need to carry the responsibility... you need to be smart, leading, accountable and reliable.." "i can't be any of those.. and i don't want to be.."

3 days later, thanks for switching off the mains. i would have died of the electric shock, if left for 2 more seconds." (it was a 5-7 second shock) "its ok.. don't think about all those things.. have an ice cream. here you go." - i forget the age, but remember the choco-bar ice cream..

"if its right, you don't need to explain.. if its wrong, it doesn't matter what you do.. if you are patient, it will wear out most people.. the right will seem wrong n rude to them.. and if you are patient and silent, it will just make them plain angry.." my 8th grade (Shine) english teacher to me.. "who are 'they', in these lines?" i asked..

"keep it simple.. be happy, just like that, on your own first. if you can't be happy by urself, nobody else can make you.. and if you are, nobody can take that away from you ever.. thats pretty much the whole of it.. anything else is just a bonus.. something will keep breaking and will keep breaking you.. don't make a fuss.. try to move on.. if not, go through it, feel better and move on again.. remember that everybody is a mess in this world, some show it, some wont. if u can be clear and simple and happy in ur mind, nothing else matters in life." my 8th grade (Shine) english teacher to me during the school farewell.. "i say this to you, because you are like my son. it doesn't matter what you do in life, but do 2 things.. be happy, always! and spend all your potential on anything you feel like doing, so that you don't regret anything... spend every bit of talent you have, you have no idea what human beings can achieve.." ironically, i have these words scribbled on a piece of paper, which i read time n time again.. and i always came back to food, music, jokes, personal whimsical stuff and my awesome lone time to realize the clarity and simplicity of happiness..

my geography professor after slapping a boy in my class, "naadak mat karna idiot... yeh tumaara baamp kaa ghar nahi hai.. mera classroom hain.." (don't act like an idiot.. this is not your father's house.. its my classroom)

"please keep this confidential.. we noticed some beer cans at the back of the classroom window. do you know, who from your class did this?" my school headmaster to me, during the 10th grade farewell party. "i don't think it was anyone from my class." "you sure, coz we found lots of kingfisher tins." "kingfisher tins! definitely not my class."

"i met with a minor auto-rickshaw accident. it went on top of my toes." class girl to me n sau. "is the rickshaw alright?" me n sau, in unison to her. she didn't talk to us for some time. in our defence, the girl was well built.

to me, "are you a ****ing retard?" "haha... why do u say that?" "who does these things like this?" "this is how it is supposed to be done." "**** you!" "OK." -- this is one of those ones in my graduation years, when i met up with my JC friends.... "loved to see them get pissed over silly stuff.."

"cards, coke, marasim, badlapur, bingo" "goa, midnight buffet, 4 am s, what not".. sau, manish n me..

"how can u sit alone listening to a single song, alone all day? you are a cartoon!" she said. "i cannot do that, who told you that?"

"be serious.. i am not joking, and this is no time for it!" she said. "sorry.. though i am not laughing, i am amused.."

"you need to speak up. people may misunderstand you silence, and take it for rudeness." a friend to me. "i don't care!" "naa.. thats wrong. people who care about you will feel bad. and not many people understand it." "you think?." "of course, you need to change."

"as much affectionate and all.. you are also very reticent sometimes.. but when you interact, do you find all the girls attractive?" she asked.. i tried to evade as usual, "i find girls very amusing and whimsical". she, taking offence, "what do you mean, amusing and whimsical? that is chauvinistic." she went on for 5 mins.. i said, "i find them amusing because they behave strangely.. and whimsical because, their plain actions have very deep meanings, and a very deep action may have a plain meaning.." "that is ridiculous and you're a jerk.."

dude, you haven't been sad for more than 2 minutes.. so why now? take a shower, put on some fabulous music, grace it with your factory-machine voice, and go blank again! attaboy! - fellow in the mirror

"you seem to be very silent. you don't talk much.." shibbu to me, in march 2007.. when i had just flown to US.. "just homesick." i said.. "don't worry, it will go away soon." she said.. "mm.. thanks!"

"chill maar! thanda le... aur thoda chup baitega" (chill dude, relax n will u shut up a little..)

"no dude, thats not how you write an email.. look at this.." dd on professional emails and lots of things..

"raavan hai woh! saala bakasoor", he said... "full to.." me n my very nice friend (roomie now), on our bus/walks back home from work, when we made fun of pretty much anyone and everything.

"music, writing, comedy, lone time, vanity and food give me great pleasure." i said. "vanity and lone time?" she asked. "yes, why?"

"aah.. there's the smile..sweet! not a big deal, but feels awesome.." always the voice, when my mom, dad, sister, brother, friends.. smile...

and there are always the special diary notes... home, those.. music, me, food, wendy's... n cafes..

shadows

2009-09-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

i stand behind,

i like when stalwarts pass by me,

they take the crowd with;

don't even run the rudeness by me.

i drop my head, staring at my nails;

fidgeting away; feverish for a reason,

i look to the left, as a flock of winners sail;

i look to the right, a flurry of them rail.

i stand aside, as they bulldoze forward,

look into their eyes, the shades hide the mess;

i look away; they pretend to have the strength,

they move forward falsely, i stroll back.

i sit on a concrete quadrangle around me,

they buzz around. oh! the commotion;

they cruise forward, one after the other;

until theres just the echo, quadrangle and me.

it grows like a shadow, the feeling on me;

and i look to the coin, it never flips on me;

heads a smile, tail a couple, move on with many;

for no race, no shadows, no speed stays forward on.

in shadows, i retreat with disinterest as it seems,

in shadows, i settle when i see them poignant;

in shadows i lie, not an explanation or for words;

in shadows, i see the brightness.. plain blind.

i stand behind,

i like watching them go one by one,

a circle it dishes out, i stand still, usual, no word

i stand behind, as i watch the shadows just grow and grow.

photo finish

2009-09-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Lens i adjust, the horizon and the aura,
Orange crown, blue bed, green shore, the flora;
The dust swirls, cougars and tigers pounce,
Battle live, tree-top. Shoot a click, don't flinch.

Violet rings, nothing Amsterdam, Waves and Circles,
Daffodils and all-flowers, sweet small, shutter clicks;
Sliding life, Vapor’s grip, Ice rock, Glacier’s view,
Reflecting up the green life, blue sky, ice-cold view.

Broken shards, molting land, rising flames of Canopy,
Flowing anger, blazing red, the red river so curvy;
Blasting radius, walking on Fire, carpet of King Cano;
Crimson shades, hottest snaps; rising of Torching-Uno.

Paris ground, blinding lights; Crystal-litted fountains,
Pattern sweet, laser colors, the forcing crush of waters;
Dark night, fire-works screaming, as the Porsches fly,
Towering monuments, flowing liquid, a flash for a plaza.

No gravity, aerial stunner, prettiest of the bluish Earth;
Planetary friends, cosmic relatives, rings and the blackness;
Stars firing, azure flames, like a match catching on distant,
Dotted bodies, oceanic turmoil, a flash of awesomeness.

Glowing skin, memoirs of that Fragrance, and more of these,
I choose to ignore, opposite spectrum of many of these;
Once for pure glee, I just look at the pleasing of the sea;
Lavish pixels, Selfish looks, Lavish again in every Picture.

Beautiful Frames, Prisoned in a Portrait, textures galore;
Coalescing waxes, Sweat Drops and emitting colors;
Like a Damsel, tender visual, Pleasing to the eyes;
In seek of ‘All Beautiful Elements’, travel me and my lens.

the tired smile

2009-09-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

standing on the wall, supporting my head;

i tucked in my loosely hanging shirt;

morosely i lifted my droopy eyes, looked at;

folded my hands, and slapped the walls.

of course, i need to sleep, this being my desk;

the car drips of the day-long rains, cold cold;

of course, i need to go, i am way past dusk;

oh brother, give me the 3 minutes i just need.

very well then, i will not say, how much i miss it;

i am not just tired, tired and head down as well;

as the years come back again to me, my own;

i know what i do best, when i don't say much.

i watched the clown, performing the usual gag;

he walked away once they stopped laughing at the gag;

i felt happy that he still made us laugh, though tired;

i am nothing compared to him, why i crib about being tired.

i think of it with goose-bumps, humbled so much;

then i know, where he stood when the world laughed;

the tired smile, is nothing compared to the pained smile;

the tired smile, is what teaches me to say, 'alrite, here goes!'

closing my eyes, i rest against the wall, looking askew;

winking at her, i think of the clown, gag and the smile.

promise me

2009-09-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

promise me, you won't rip me like all do,
and make me ponder the phase, like all do;
as i see them passing and behaving the same
promise me, you'll rise a notch above them.

promise me, when i dim the lights to a minimum,
and sit on the floor, leaning on the walls;
with hands and sideway cheeks on my knees,
promise me, you will give me a smile in thoughts.

promise me, you won't leave me stranded,
else, i'll never desert you, in your thought;
and if i ever lean my head away from it,
promise me, you'll give me your shoulder again.

promise me, you'll understand, i am wrong,
i don't say a word, i say a lot of words;
when all i muster is a look upward, move on;
promise me, you'll understand, fresh i begin.

promise me, when my quietness chases me,
when the doves cry, and you know i try;
when you don't feel like being sad, but are;
promise me, you realize i know being there.

promise me, when i am left behind, for not looking up;
and they move away, rudeness wins for quiet and shy;
and i fail to explain every time, hence they pass me,
promise me, you won't say, i don't have the energy.

promise me, when there is a drop of tear, so much me;
for all your tears i changed to smiles unknowingly;
and the good and bad, that came in knowing me;
promise me, you'll own this one, and dry my cheeks.

promise me, when all the mocking and noise dies;
and my delusion and epiphanies, come to an end;
and my useless ramblings say, 'let go of me';
promise me, nothing changes between you and me.

promise me, when i don't think of breaking;
promise me, there is nothing to think about;
promise me, you'll shrug the void, the silence builds;
promise me, for i forget every day, how much i remember you.

like that

2009-08-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

he's like that,
she's like that.
they'r like that,
we'r like that.

break like that,
make like that,
mettle like that,
resolve like that.

quiet like that,
chatty like that,
annoy like that,
touch like that.

think like that,
blank like that,
live like that,
n shut like that.

dreams like that,
discontent like that.
luck's like that,
life's like that.

don't get me like that,
takes time like that,
abandon like that,
n come back like that.

scribble like that,
act like that,
weird like that,
just like that!

i'm scared

2009-08-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

during my primary school days, we used to witness communal riots in our area, in bombay.. it used to happen all of a sudden, and people ran helter-skelter first, and then locked themselves in their houses..

i remember, i was 10-11 yrs old, driving a small bicycle in a local scool ground, a few meters away from my home..

my brother was also playing around..

and then, suddenly i heard the rushes.. a bunch of people running madly, warning everyone to get back to their houses.. it is as if you could feel the fear in the air..

at that point of time, everything around me froze, blinded.. i threw the cycle away and ran for my home with my brother by my side..

the cycle lay with the wheels whirring,

how far I threw it, fearful strength, I don’t know;

my heart was pounding, my hands shivering..

reflexes or by fear, the legs motored, I don’t know.

I ran and the few meters were gone,

as fast as they can, I knew scampering scurrying;

it was sunset time, the light was also gone;

the gloom and timid fear added to the hurrying.

‘mother, where are you?’ probably my thought

‘mother, why do they do this?’ my reasoning;

‘mother, when does all this end?’ I tried to agitate

‘mother, they keep scaring me?’ I was weakening.

midway, I found light in that, I saw my mother,

why nothing else mattered than that sight, I don’t know;

she took us inside, now seemed nothing to bother,

locking ourselves, I gasped, looked at a picture, I don’t know.

the rustling outside I heard, a lot blood I did not see,

yet the moment, like a black smoke, fiercely wrapped around;

the senses were rivaled, as the pounding continue;

‘this will pass’, i heard within me, hoping to never come around.

‘mother, I’m scared’ I garbled in the real nightmare,

‘mother, I feel alone and lost.’ beginning to understand;

and then she hugged me, wrapped me around her, all in a hug;

and she told me, 'there is nothing to fear ever in life.. only to face.'

and then i knew, 'the sky will look like falling, every once in a while.'

and then I knew, ‘my sky will never fall, all one ever needs is that hug.’

we, the morons

2009-08-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Present here, for you to say 'on an average',

Exist below, and above you gain the leverage;

Lost, in directions and sense, we, the morons,

Muck up, the glitching sheep, in all the plans.

Plethora, of jokes for you to source from us,

Handsome, he seems, but it's really 'coz of us;

Unreliable, when you think, it just defines us,

Shoddy, thats not an off day, it's just so us.

Last nod, we are a 'Joey', but only in senses,

No reaction, unless someones pinches n says;

Mars, we give a bad name to you, well worse;

Happy, its us, so we lost to cats and bears.

No poet, we don't abuse the weather and Suns,

Again, and again, all the cliched natural lines;

Tree, we need to be, to scribble about a tree,

Imagination, lack of it, and you'r talking we.

Dates, now some can't complain, it's all we,

Nook, that's the only place we all like to be;

Losers, we are affectionately called by thee,

Post-nominal letters JH, JackHoles, thats we.

Balance, we rise, when you think of them and we,

Choices, we are to be ruled out, help you see;

Simple, we make your decisions easy and free;

Reason, on the face you have to say/act to we.

Right there, we'll amuse you when you'r down;

Drift, what we do when you are on your own;

Smile, thats how far apart, you'r for us to bow;

Empty, mind with a hole, whatever we've gotta do!

Best Man, thats a safe bet, we the scapegoats;

Non-compete, thats we offer to fellow foxes;

Elite, many on this planet, we own the success;

Plenty, like me, always trust 'we the morons'.

Fade, when the smart and righteous and jolly;

Dim-witted, when that's all what attributed us;

Smile, one in that thought is what we stood for,

Unaware, yet that we have inherited the Earth.

kid and the puppy

2009-08-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

this was on my mind for a good amount of time.. yesterday was an outstanding day with a chilled climate. as good as what, imagine a feeling when you are reminded of all your friends, childhood memories, mischiefs, romantic moments, nostalgia, those flashing highlights of your life... ok too much..

basically, an extremely subjective pleasant day..

i jumped around a lot, hopped around a lot, kept nodding my head all day in sheer mirth...

i checked.. i was sane.. basically a good day..

i came home yesterday after a dinner, and wrote this.... to maintain the law of averages.. so that i don't piss off the universe..

a small kid and a puppy sit about,

with swinging legs on top of a bed;

flapping its ears, it whines about,

outside window, a sun shines atop.

what's the thing now we should do,

pour in some ideas as you would do;

stretching your mouth is all you do,

cut the posture and say what we do.

food's not it, a moment like this,

songs no, for a silence like this;

games, i wish, but you say please,

what's new and i'll let go of these..

sleep-sits on his lap, rolling eyes

fm keeps reminding me of the same,

i break off my thoughts, 'n you say

me doing all the talking, 'n you say!

it got up, peeked at the grass lawn,

looked away, at a window of the car;

an ace to jack, glanced at the cards,

turned to see the reclining couchs.

tapped its claws/paws, not too tense,

yet reminded of an yearning to play;

surrounded in mirth n joy n smiles,

'l be singing like a humming replay.

as they sit about, deja' vu hits me,

the humming fades, n' this must be it;

how it feels after the jolly circling,

a form, a silhoutte, 'n the thoughts!

am i supposed to look for it, ponder;

wait, go, move on! pretend, accept;

sit n gaze at the same sun, timed out;

the quiet puppy, in thoughts i wonder!

the swing

2009-08-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

a Sunday evening words of an outstanding saturday...

i went to a park on a short drive, with my friend.. we sat on a swing (for kids) for 10-15 minutes, strode a little bit..didn’t talk as much, as we do.... the swing was good, it’s been a while since I was in one..

in fact, a couple weeks back, I had been to the same park with another friend, and that was an altogether different day of fun.. but no swing..

as for this saturday, the only way I can dampen the thoughts is by scribbling some words on those.. here goes nothing..

i watched, the rear view mirror, empty road,

as we pulled over against the park and shore;

the lake waved at us, forever it is lashing out,

hands in my pocket, steps, I merely shrugged!

I stood there like everyone else, so alone in it,

never gone was the world around me, it lived;

but it was wrapped, outside of this envelope,

and only if I allowed to, it could break my calm.

outstretched hands, the water flowed in mind,

so aloof, the blanket caught my thoughts fond;

so still, it kept them, I shrugged, looked at her;

a book and a joke, I am lost in my silent star!

I swung slow, I swung low, rigid on the chain,

then the shoulders, legs relax, relax relaxed;

I waved back at the lake n earth and the sky,

upward arc, blue to blue, vast transparent sky.

what I would give for a word, but I am lost,

the chords in me never play, they are quiet;

twenty minutes, end as I swung and swung,

sometimes that’s all there is to the swing!

nothing to write home I think, I let it go;

distorted memories wobble on my way;

I forget and move on, like a while ago!

S.O.B

2009-08-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

since this will sound like a real story, let me use phoney person names. this way, after a point of time, i’ll be confused myself, who's who! and i am sure, you really don’t care, if i used phoney or real person names.. it’s all the same for you..

fictitiously, this goes back to approximately 7 years ago.

jack was glancing at some printouts, smiling, and listening to the ‘Nothing Else Matters’ song by Metallica..

Never cared for things they say

Never cared for games they play

i never cared for what they do

i never cared for what they know

and i know, yeah yeah yeah

tom and kate, hustled into the room. kate looked tense, but she was very methodical, and that’s how she apparently looked when preparing for an event. it was the ‘college – technical paper presentation’ event. tom was a flamboyant fellow and unreliable to the core. one moment, you could trust him with getting a business deal out of Bill Gates, and the next moment, wanting to watch a ‘Scooby-Doo’ cartoon, before the deal.

kate handed over some printouts to jack, and said, ‘who takes printouts of song lyrics.. and at this time’ rehearse your part now, we should sound contiguous in logic and flow.

jack replied, ‘this paper presentation is a mockery of the actual one.. all we do is steal content (or aggregate as it is called), compress it to get it to our understanding, and present it. we have no idea, what the technology really offers in depth. kate was getting annoyed, ‘don’t be a pioneer now. let’s just do it. in any case, it is a matter of who does the best stealing, compressing and pretentious but ignorant presentation.’ tom was playing with his new gadget phone..

they reached the presentation hall, where one of the other teams from another division, got a glimpse of them.. kate went, ‘oh no, not ben again.. the fellow is a thorn in the neck…’ tom said, ‘don’t worry, i’ll handle him.’ and kate snorted out laughing. jack was looking at the time, away from this. it was to be a 12 minute presentation, 3-3-6 minute per speaker, the closure coming from the lead speaker.

ben went, ‘oh no, not jack again.. that son of a bitch irritates me.. i hate his guts. son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch..’ ‘shhhhh.. ben, that is very inappropriate to say. hold your tongue.’ jule said. she knew ben was as good an orator, in all divisions, the best actually, but he could never stand jack for everything.

ben’s team finished the presentation and it was as good as one, the writers of the original paper, from which it was stolen, could have presented. ben was gifted. charismatic, concise and grasping, to add. ben had stolen the show, solo. kate’s team finished, and jack did a very neat closure, too. in the Q&A session, ben’s team fielded 4 out of 6 questions. kate’s team, had their first question and there was pin drop silence for a moment.. kate cracked her knuckles.. tom was deciding what to blabber. it looked like a lost cause.. jack replied.. and then answered to the next 5 questions, to get all 6. and they were good questions at that.. it seemed, the judges, themselved were actually working on that technology.. they had won on the Q&A basis.

kate, jack and tom were frantic. they had won the 64 team, technical paper presentation finals.

ben said to jule, ‘that’s why i hate the son of a bitch.. i knew this would happen.. that idiot just happens to be the center of such events.. i hate the..’ and some more neat words.. jule went, ‘i don’t understand how we lost on the Q&A’s alone.. anyways, don’t curse him.. you were better than him..’

‘no, that’s not true. you don’t know the thing with him.. i hate to even mention his..’ ‘then don’t’

kate wanted to congratulate ben’s team for the effort, but jack and tom were not there. ben’s team came over to congratulate kate and then, jack and tom popped in to congratulate ben’s team.

‘you were brilliant as usual, ben. you are very gifted. you’ll go places.’ jack left grabbing kate and tom. kate and tom ruffled jack’s hair. it was a very very sweet effort.

‘and that’s why, i hate the son of a bitch, more.’ said ben. jule said, ‘you are ridiculous!’

squirrel on a clock

2009-07-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

time turned back, to fail us of our regrets;

inter-galactic narrowed, mother earths’s;

parallel yous is farther than usual for us;

and we go back right till the stone ages.

the end of the gag, no seventh day ever;

FLIP ‘n million years, a squirrel’s scamper;

we are somewhere between two points;

supposed to be ‘n would have been points!

another squirrel flipped its clock due to this;

and a million paths we go at the same time;

gazillion magnitude of decision trees, events;

only the squirrels didn’t know about the time.

million squirrels, million clocks, possibilities;

like bubbles, they explode into years n years;

we are here and we are not, the clocks flip;

so randomly, it resembles a contiguous clip.

she did turn back after she left, for the kiss;

no harm, as he did miss saying those words,

there was one who understood the clocks;

the squirrels and the flip, until some flips.

damn, in the middle of this land of trees;

stands a squirrel, atop the moving prisons

the prisons of time, locked in those hands;

it’s a clock, it knows nothing of the quartz.

darn, it’s not one squirrel and one clock;

wreaking havoc on the time scale of ours;

million squirrels, million clocks, possibilities;

like bubbles, they explode into years n years;

beat that feeling

2009-07-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

i write this based on a small event on this Wednesday night.. nothing expansive, just one of those subtle ridiculous things.. which i cannot explain why i find subtle and ridiculous..

you know perspiration of the workout;

rivaled only by a taste of glorious food

as is start of a splendid day’s work, duh!

or a genuine word of praise, hidden so.

be it the solo drive, on and off the road;

a sudden impression, you and your nod,

n the unconditional action, don’t reason

the hidden charity, remote satisfaction.

invisible support for someone so close;

making them strong, good way bad way

seeing the smiles with strength is bliss;

so oblivious, i am fine with my bad way.

the music, the tapping and the dance;

the joy of games, stretched out hands;

roaming wishes, no matter when ends;

would say, how do you beat that feeling!

for the quiet and quiet day, i like so much;

all day long, she laughed so much, so much,

‘you’r ridiculous when there and when not!’

she laughed so much, the eyes almost brim;

an involuntary caress, unconditional words!

such smiles, how do you beat that feeling?

twitter breakup…

2009-06-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

no no no.. this post is not about someone breaking up over twitter.. as much ridiculous (and funny for a 3^rd person) as it would be.. it would go like this, i presume..

you have got a personal message

‘needed to tweet… breaking up.. now… with you.. it’s not you, it’s me..(blah blah) gtg.. see u around..’

‘moron’ is not following you anymore, on twitter…

i am not a heavy tweeter.. and hence i cannot speak in first person here.. but not to worry, i have the liberty of identity spoofing and take the privilege..

this post is about someone who has twittered a lot n lot n lot… n one day suddenly realizes that, he/she is tweeting first and then doing the things.. self-privacy and private space have been killed and buried.. and then the time comes to let go of twitter..

from, ‘all that twitters is gold’, to ‘all that twitters is not gold’..

here goes my ridiculous piece of breakup words, between he/she and twitter.. if twitter could talk back, that would be in (italic parentheses)..

‘twitter.. we need to tweet.. this is john/jane doe.. i have given it a great deal of words.. i have tried the web, gadget, phone.. i don’t think it’s working out between us.. i think we need to end this..

listen, i know this must be so hard for you.. you are great.. you are smart, chirpy, fast, broadcasting, accessible, far-reaching, outspreading, like a pile of n all those..

but it’s not the same twittering feeling.. before you met me, i never thought i would be in any relationship with social networking.. maybe i was naïve.. and then you happened.. so different from orkut, facebook and myspace.. i could sense the attraction.. you were there in everything i did.. i got up, u knew.. i brushed my teeth.. u knew (and millions of other people).. i tripped and broke my nose.. u knew.. it was like, nothing could go wrong.. the web seemed an alright place..

we had some really great times.. remember when my boss was firing me, i was tweeting real-time… not to mention the reason for my expulsion, being the PII data being twittered..

and the time when my SSN came, and i told you, only to be ripped off a few grands due to an identity theft.. you have some really keen quick-acting criminal and dacoit followers too..

and the time when i was held as a witness in a safe house.. one tweet and never mind…

and all those times, when no one wanted to know, what i was doing.. yet you were there for me, to ensure i pissed off everyone by still tweeting about the things i did..

you have been through all those great rough times.. which wouldn’t have happened without you..

but now, things are different.. i don’t feel it anymore.. i tried the web but i get stuck.. i tried the gadgets.. but they are turning sophisticated.. i tried texting… but it Seems Mostly Sad..

initially you used to be frustrated at seeing me.. now you are frustrated and disgusted too.. not to mention, that you take me for granted that i’ll tweet everything.... and what’s more, random people follow me on you, and send me personalized hate-tweets.. hence it’s time.. i cannot believe that we are actually breaking up.. i always thought these things happened to other people.. but every dog has.. never mind.. it’s over..

and what do they say.. yeah.. we can still be friends.. i will tweet the occasional ridiculous thing i’ll do.. hang on, that’s what i used to do.. so i don’t know what to tweet.. i guess, i'll just get back to my life, after all..’

anyways, at least i’ll have an illusion now that i have seen life, and seen both sides of it.. and there’s the grandeur feeling of a philosophical guru on such issues, henceforth.. and the fact that my second relationship will be an even more foolish one, based on the premise that i’ll be wiser at future relationships..

and please remember one thing, the george line… it’s not you, it’s me! it’s always me!

to which twitter said,

'(never mind that i heard, blah blah.. but i am sorry, who are you again? do i know you?

best wishes, gth. - twitter)’

there’s never a better breakup.. it’s always a bitter breakup.. but don’t worry.. this is just a twitter breakup… for the fun and forgetfulness of a post.... not kidding!

sunlight

2009-06-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

smooth, smooth, beeping.. alarm’s sight,

i snooze it at the left, and decide to, really?

the comforter wields away, morning early;

right glass window, face on, hits the sunlight.

dripping sweat, aching spasms, wiping brows;

deep breaths, i walk exhaling, to the patios;

as the towel rests on the neck, a hand glass;

blinding array, full on, hits me the sunlight.

shower, so n so, swiveling the keys, whistling

locking door, of the day ahead, not thinking;

i hustle down the stairs, fresh n lazy, to exit;

first touch of grass, the sky hits me the sunlight..

on ‘ends, when the cooker steams out, done!

to the drawer takes leave, worded chef gown;

i set the kitchen straight, heading away from it

turning, from the window, hits me the sunlight.

the quiet office sills, show the abundant light;

floating outside all the time, till there’s no light;

long or short the day, early or delayed the night;

when i walk out, i blink and look up! it’s the sunlight!

you name it

2009-06-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

when there are no strings attached,

and the whole intention looks so weird;

the society makes you see it that way;

and you don’t keep the thoughts away..

so when the waves come and go ashore,

look at the good memories they bore;

and the whole smile is so absent n pure;

what do you make of such affection lure.

when you know that there’s only one;

who brings that, brought so innocently;

you feel the need to name it so much,

yet you stand there, saying nothing much!

play it again and again, again all the time,

yeah, it seems like time can’t fold those,

pieces into a recap of flashes, not sublime;

guess there’s nothing like the time that goes.

and when you try to place this as one of those,

but it doesn’t fit in for any of the pre-conceived;

even if you hope it falls into one of those lastly,

till it does, you keep the wheels.. maybe it won’t!

all of this anyways vanishes, a blink long, all seems

ticking away it wins, tickling and longing it seems;

and when the time comes to turn and see the road;

why is it the way it is? i know it, now, you name it!

couple of ambigrams

2009-06-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

here are a couple of ambigrams, i am interested in...

and my name..

the royal flush

2009-06-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

the ten commandments of exodus, paths;

not meant; ludvig’s sonatas of the violins;

the power of your hands, limbs; the base;

cyclic, our limitation, lowest of the hands.

jack of all trades, heroism thy name thee;

pyramid square, the two bars, a fall sour;

a goddamn good world ,not in a melee;

but for Murphy and the eleventh hour.

the queen of the moon, not yet explained;

the annual count, and search for the signs;

sworn to the king, yet so close to the jack;

center of the elite, yet what lines to cross!

talent, thy name is the king, all yield to you;

two sides, a number! oops! they didn’t see;

ruler of the pack, size of life, natural vanity;

herald of the times, who is to beat thee?

the improbable, upset and the charisma;

the twist, stalwart and the unanswerable;

the crown of low to high, vane to humble;

genesis to end, cycle and circle of the ace.

when all good aligns, in the same hands;

grandeur, the power corrupts the hands;

yet say the other club, diamond, spade;

even with a royal flush, follow the heart!

exam flames

2009-06-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

always wanted to imagine and write about this scene. the reactions of various people in the exam room, on the first glance of an examination question paper.

in my other bizzaro (a.k.a. perfect) world, these lines happen. but in our this world, people constrain themselves.

I wrote some lines in my bizzaro world, on how people constrain themselves here. hence some lines here, on how people let go there.

he smiled, he shot through all Qs,

she beamed, child’s play were Qs;

that’s an insane pair, in the room,

sane rest of them, why? read on!

as he banged his head on the desk,

bloody Qs, literally turning into on;

she let her cat, claw the whole paper

shredder-precision, piece of wrapper.

as he got up and left on first glance

tossing a 3 pointer of the Qs, the bin;

she set the paper on fire, in flames;

and more, she stamped on the ashes!

he attached it to the grenade pin, tact!

and flinged it on someone's head, aim!

she went crazy looking at the Qs, bad!

monkey danced and collapsed, score!

as he rocketed the Qs out of the window

followed suit, jumped out of the window;

she blew a hole in the paper, smoking!

blasted the paper, desk and the footing.

as he yelled as loudly as he could, blast!

the Qs burst to pieces, ‘n 2 vocal cords;

she brought her bulldog to pee on the Qs

‘n lent it, to chew the papers, whole row.

he got up, ran and hit the walls blindly,

round and round, knocked every wall;

she made rabbits out of them, joined,

and tried to choke the fellow ahead!

he simply tore the Qs, a letter per piece,

made a dust ball, ‘n sling-ed it, eye patch;

she scratched the hell out of the paper;

merely by the click pen, deep impact.

he passed out, she ran out screaming,

he sweared bad; she, a girl scorn look;

in another world, they constrained all,

and the pair finished and left the hall!

cute noun to waltz

2009-06-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

the arch light hits you, on the dais
a face lit you, shuns all the claps;
it fades, thoughts of perspiration,
a trickle you feel, of recognition.

you glide and slide, high n joyous,
the wild wild steps, able elegance;
doubting carefree, yet the agility,
for all the steps, wins the humility.

the chirping star, the tranquil kid,
the grace and song, dancing on;
amidst thick n thin, your moves
on and on, gives an effervescence.

the curtains fall, for the ovation dies,
oblivious you waltz on, closed eyes;
I stand on the corner, leaned walls;
ballerina you, linguist me, potential.

thoughts, the rhythm keeps humming,
the whistles, silent as they used to be;
smiles, humor, tranquility, nothingness, smiles;
in the quiet minds, there's always a cute noun to waltz.

damn me

2009-06-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

there are various types of people you come across in life, you being one of them for someone else. here is a fictitious first person tone, of one such type of person..

any resemblance to real people and qualities (or lack of, whatever you want to call) is purely intentional.

you want to label me disgusting,

i act disgusting, you have the say;

you hate my selfishness, i cling

your hatred wins, it’s there to see.

i am quietly getting crushed, shh

that’s what i like, and you seem to;

i have no say, no credibility, hush;

no value, no place; just as a joke.

i am helpless, and you’ll stomp then

corrupt scruples, gray morals, false;

kidding me, for you are more serious;

mocking me, i am just a dufus then.

layers of falsity, pretence, why why,

why do i want to do those things;

no guts, no spine, no vile for these;

i ask myself, why am i? why why why.

placeholder friend, no right to rights;

nothing good, irritating actions of mine

none so guts, and only frustrating guts

fell an evil uncomfortable shield of mine.

soaring hatred, pathetic importance;

i have thought these of other people;

for once when they show up and act

as one i have thought them of, it’s easy;

for the social code to label them as above..

i feel i have a valid reason to label them.. what a pity!

shining

2009-06-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

silently i sat, calm blinking eyes

bench on grass, hands on knees;

front of me she saw the stream,

she played and played, with glee.

morning left, and she left the stream

she came back on, in glow of the eve;

‘n played along and left with a beam

thought i wasn’t there, this could be.

lonely she felt cold, she felt the mirth,

i shifted not, and so blinked the same;

were the eyes moist, can’t tell the same

frigid, subtle and sometimes the mirth.

as crickets talked, she left and came

glistening stream in the night of light;

she stood her ground, right and wrong

indifference and fear, a pensive start.

not worth a notice was me, this could be

I blinked and sat, as i sat and blinked;

she wondered why i just sit there quiet;

but thought not ask, for why should she.

it went on, till stream was stream

i blinked, not asking, not telling one;

she leaned on me, and this could be

quiet i sat with her, calm blinking eyes.

yet all the same, she was listening to me..

i tumble

2009-06-02T13:52:00.001-07:00

you know it’s not right, my mind;

disobedient, a wayward part of it;

not curbed, all the time on its own;

hell would be sweet, if it lashed out.

thoughts it cannons, dare it musters;

can’t dream of it, mind of fire it has;

no strings, no lip seals, there is evil;

and the vanity, self and the side wild.

you know it’s not right, my mind;

i look around, and all seems fake;

it rips the cover, and sees through;

i am disoriented, think it’s the mind.

why is something missing, is it me;

why do i focus staring at the ceiling;

twitchy as army of horses and men;

i keep touching the roof of hot tin.

something changed, my head hides it;

i am tumbling, and tumbling upward;

my glass thoughts, keep me looking;

you know it’s not right, my mind.

coin slip

2009-05-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

pounding pounding, whirling stars;

around my head, with etched scars

throw and stack me in a booty bag,

for carry on what they call the bank.

hand giveth paper, hand taketh me

I dangle perilously, in pocket of thee

as friends keep shilling, till gone is me;

as the hand giveth me to another thee.

you flip me like I am on a trampoline,

and call out, just to decide on some;

ignore as I leave you, don’t give a bean

for I come and go, and go and come.

they have a math dedicated to me,

silly of them, for its whimsy of me;

but you are you, chance is chance

you dance on little, on my dance.

some keep me ever, I say ridiculous

let go of me, you moron and let go;

let me flip and slip and kip about;

bounce and bounce and skip around.

tossed when new, saved when old

much better than what you get;

crap, I fell down hard and tumbled,

rolling along, the road is rough;

I am here, in scrap yard friends,

here I come; picked after eons,

pounding pounding, whirling stars;

around my head, with etched scars.

eeesh

2009-05-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

when the chalk screeches against the board,

and the nails scratch against the fresh paper

a chill in the wind talks to the goose bumps;

as cold water hits the teeth, and sours it so.

the swing sends the grass flying, that’s all,

slip of the tongue, for a suppressed giggle;

when words and action blow up so in front,

and a muck up, anything against the odds.

the short hair, and icky is the mirror look

or the achy tooth, the tongue no-forgets;

that one spasm, which is for every action;

first burn, shock, skid, loss of very traction.

a nose bubble blurts out, not your decision,

or an olive pops out, with the burger talk;

the drink nozzles out, right joke wrong time,

a grain sticks to that part of tooth, Murphy.

both look down, a lifted head hits the chin,

chew chew arghhh... that’s the self lip bite;

the first masseur/masseuse, the comfort iks

and the first squiggle of tiny baby fingers.

first of the ice palm on the cheek, an eeesh,

‘I used to, what happened now?’ an eesh;

‘why me, of all the people?’ another eesh;

nothing to all, believe it, passes as an eesh.

something else

2009-05-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

the tables were a maze, last player left,

what if the spot was not meant for you;

sagging alleys, if the chair didn’t hold,

what would force you to bow n elbow.

you sat, the walls domed of reflections,

russian roulette, like never seen before;

you will believe, black piercing shrills;

too much cuts you, too less gets to you.

the tables were struck with lightning,

the scar, hidden by the fumes around;

why is still a keenness to befriend it,

maybe the warping will come around.

the game starts, and corners are cut,

the cushion revolves, it’s your ride;

pass through several hands, bee hive,

clock ticks, you take a key and leave.

there is dust in your eyes, reveling in,

there is dust in my thoughts boring in;

as you palm the dust, vision hampers,

as i shoo it away, my thought distracts.

a distraction of sight, and skewed images you brew;

an aberrance of thought, anachronous words flew;

the roulette disappears, mind’s gait is aplomb, guess,

thoughts return, and the words look something else…