the essay for CRY - children

i am pretty happy, to post this scribbling..

this is part of an essay writing event, i participated for CRY Seattle.. the essay is also uploaded on the CRY site as a word doc..

you can find it here: CRY Essay on Children by Raja Nadar

Challenges of living with differently abled children

-By Raja Nadar

6. A.M in Meridith’s home. She is wary. But something drives her on. She wakes up Percy, who suffers from ADHD (Tourette’s). As a mother, if only she could feel for once, how it is to be a normal parent seeing her kid doing normal things. Instead, she sees the kid struggling on a Lego for hours. This mind is heavy with so many thoughts. Why my Child?

9. A.M in Roshini’s palace-sized home. Her kid, wheels around on a chair. She looks outside the window, where the common Locality, boasts of a garden with kids agile, nimble and playful. She gathers her strength and wishes she won’t break one day. “When will my kid be in that garden?”

12 Noon. Jack heads for school, but watches his brother James drooling behind. As much as mentally challenged James is, Jack would have loved for a Comrade. Instead, James is part of a school with ramps. The special school.

5 P.M. 13 year old Ron is wondering if he could ever be a surgeon. Big dream for a schizophrenic. The world tells him, “It is not going to happen”. The world “sycophantically” tells that.

The timings change, the geography changes. But the basic emotions remain the same. Somewhere along the challenges of being associated with these children, lies a gamut of emotions.

There is courage, hope and a drive. With mothers to make a ‘Forrest Gump’ out of their kids. There is the “silent cries” of their fathers. There is the wily happiness and genuine sympathies from the relatives. There is discouragement, despair, hopelessness to the core, from the world. And of course, there is discontent & disinterest when it comes to many.

The problem is that people feel, having a “differently abled” child is like having a “malfunctioning pivot” which drives the cogs of family machine. Anyone and everyone are affected. Life is different, the world looks different. Routines change. There is always that thought which needs to be echoed, “And for Pery, we can….” It is not easy.

First off, there is “Rejection” as the Primary feeling. “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?” Then there is “Anger and Frustration.” Our society works in a particular way. No matter how much they convince you, that everything is normal, you know, more of the opposite. Then there is “denial”. Maybe I don’t have the strength to go forward. And then there is “Acceptance”. Maybe this is how my life is going to be. I need to step up and be the one. These are not the 5 stages of “anything” that I am talking about. My cousin sister is “mentally challenged” and I know what her mom when through and goes through.

Immediate family, extended family, there is no end to the impact. It is a breaking feeling to see that one kid sitting alone, in its own world. Breaking, as a Mother, Father, Brother, Sister or anyone attached.

Words can never express the pain, resolve, character and hope that go with the challenges of living with those children. At the same time, words cannot condemn the “giving up” of individuals, the negative attitude, the discrimination mentality and the world showers upon such kids. Sometimes, one of our own abandons us for being different, for no fault of ours. Why don’t they believe that “I” could be a “Beethoven”, “Edison” or “Stephen Hawking?”

The one perspective we always forget is how the child feels. “A child’s mind is like wet cement. Anything that falls on it makes an impression.” And when the child sees “strength”, “belief” and “encouragement”; the making of a prodigy that seed.

7 P.M. and Meridith thinks. “Another day has passed”. 10 P.M and Roshini puts her kid to sleep. 11 PM and James has no idea of the time. And I watch my cousin, repeating the same set of sentences in a jumbled manner, ending with a seizure, which leaves her passed out and her mom in tears. There are challenges, nobody can deny that. The biggest of them is the “breaking of the Human will”.

But we continue. We sustain the will, to revive ourself and then deal with all the social and cultural challenges associated with a “Different” kid. As Thomas Berry, the American Eco-theologian said,

The child awakens to a universe. The mind of a child to the world of meaning. Imagination, to a world of beauty. Emotions, to a world of Intimacy. It takes a universe to make a child in both outer form and inner spirit. It takes a universe to educate a child. A universe to fulfill a child

- Thomas Berry.

Be it challenges of “Discrimination”, “Discouragement”, “Abandonment”, “Inequality”, “Education” or any differentiating evil, it is our vision and dreams, and more importantly our actions, which determine what these kids can become.

So let us be the “universe” who will fulfill every child, “differently abled or not”, we don’t differentiate. Let them achieve the fullest of their potential. Let every mother, Father and Being, rise to the challenges, and make a champion out of every kid.

I know I did my part towards my cousin, and I’ll continue to do toward all kids.

fear and the surge

i am scared and nervous, on some days;

no no, not on most of the days;

though i feel it would be on most days;

a few good things, help make those days.

that leaves me with a few scary days;

the cowards never admit these scary days;

life behaves like a bad dog on these days;

even the strongs, act nervous on these days.

its not that i am strong or weak;

not even that i need support and all;

maybe not that i fear the loss of something;

its more often than not, a few of all these.

everybody has the same fears, i know typically;

yet like everybody, i feel i am the most dicey;

sleeping a little, delays the fears a little;

i know what things fix this, little by little.

as much as i fear the nerve-wracking thoughts;

as much as i am sad by the heart's quiet thoughts;

as much withered away by the erosion of resilience;

that much i am scared of those that solve my fears.

see, if my friend makes these fears go away;

see, if a sudden urge in me, makes these fears go away;

see, if the tears make these fears go away;

i fear that the friend, urge and the tears may go away.

there is the urge to fight, standing alone;

there is the urge to be the friend, and fight a fear;

there is an urge to keep quiet and pretend no fears;

as well to just droop and give up on the fears.

time passes by, and it shows ways of handling these fears;

they come and go, like seasons in phases, asking me;

no matter if i figure out an urge to win or lose these fears;

i fear the loss of that urge one day, rest with only the fears.

time passes, fears pass, urge passes, friends pass;

silence and resilience pass, helplessness and pretence pass;

then hope passes once in a while to hold on;

wonder when the string breaks, or just goes taut for a while.

the forgetting

the rains were slashing very very hard today.. i was driving on the freeway with my friend, and it was a magical (not to mention very scary) experience, to wade through the waters. It was like an ocean pouring at 70 mph with blinding light..

I had never driven before with so much rain. scintillating.. couple of hours.. but somehow, this reminded me of the million moments we have in life (scintillating and the awful ones).. some we desire to etch, but fade.. some we decide to rinse, but stay engraved.. today was one such enthralling moment..

this is where my jumbled brain doesn't let go of the moments.. it will immediately apply a ridiculous epiphany to the experience.. I tried to hold it back a lot, but couldn’t… so here goes what it thinks..

“i love the fact that we are capable of forgetting the most mesmerizing things, remembering the most trivial ones and never ever it strikes us that we have forgotten some of our best moments or worst nightmares..

ironically, when you are right in the moment of the experience, there is nothing beyond that mist that you can see. sometimes you try to see from outside the frame, but there’s only as much you can scoop as much in the pan.. you try to think what it means as a whole..

nevertheless I like the forgetting.. i especially like the fading of all these moments.. no matter how many smiles, thoughts and tears these moments hold within them, they all fade eventually… for good or bad, I have no idea..”

the broken crystals come together invisible;

for a moment, it seems like a new beginning.

first loss of the mother’s fingers, the homesick fear;

first of feelings, when you don’t belong anywhere;

first thought, walking behind your brother alone;

first jitter, when home seems a long way far n gone.

then a comfort, when the world seems to fit in;

and the kids’ mocking laughter turns friendly;

then those songs take you back the avenues;

the books, the shop, the fights, brimmed eyes.

then the stars, absorbing a million yearnings;

then a phase, carving a season of memoirs;

as they topple, only to give way to others;

then the glitches, always keeping me honest.

first affection, first love, first content, of many;

when the inner tries to hold on to these many;

i still look forward, no matter how much it burns;

for all these moments to freeze forever like ice.

then the crystals break, all moments lost in them;

I wonder when the crystals come together again.

just a journey

there are many people in this world who can just live a very pleasant life, based on what/where they are right now.. but they keep deciding to put in the effort every day and be the way, which probably got them to where they are..

sometimes, they probably stop and think back on why they should work so hard. they can just live through without the strain and struggle, and still have no one to answer.

yet, for some reason not all succumb to this.. some keep working and working, no matter what they are and how life can bend for them.. maybe there is more to gain that way.. maybe the journey is the destination..

two hand thumbs, on backpack straps

straps resting on the tiring shoulders;

shoulders of the hero, always strained;

strained on the unsaid morals of world.

world of unsaid paths to traverse ahead;

ahead of all mortals, carving like a guide;

guide for the next, guide for the roads;

roads in the middle of no land, no rains.

rains that trip the eye lids, forcing revert;

revert of a mind, worst of nature’s alert;

alert as he may be, the fallacies possess;

possess him to break the intransigence.

intransigence, that is the hero’s crime;

crime of the character, the self’s form;

form, that is unyielding to the signs;

signs of the opposition, cardinal sins;

sins he loathes, eggs himself to race;

race on the terrains closing the eyes;

eyes closed, show him the pleasant life;

life which can bend to his will, no strife.

strife, he embraces for those reasons;

reasons the heart knows, only it knows;

knows that the way is dusty, lone pain;

pain of aloofness, only misery to gain.

gain of the journey, the hero’s strength;

strength , second only to a future mirth;

mirth, the mortals will never be blessed;

blessed is he and just a journey in silence.

the wicked force

lets just say, i am extremely happy today..extremely...

a lot of things got cleared up in my mind.. and all for good... when the interesting complex things make way, life can get back to the nice n mundane stuff..

and that is a very bad sign, because that means i am going to scribble some very random lines...

it is just weird that, the most unrelated words pop out, when my head is empty... very singular n unrelated, i must say...

so here goes nothing as usual...

red and blue, evil in the eyes;

thousand chains, buried in lies;

one bolt a while, ripping apart;

on mere ground, is wasted a dart.

lightning struck, a unicorn runs;

in shoveled snow, a boxter revs;

cave man sees, a car of future;

stoned winds, eager to nurture.

hot land, pissed steam, billowed;

mere presence and it shuddered;

reptile fangs, looks of a wolf;

of banished wrath, soaked in self.

corrupting minds, n running amok;

hatred bestowed, vultures creak;

the sea balks, wicked the curse;

trooper shoots, lost in the mist.

poisonous spread, ecstacy roots;

wily darkness, for scary drapes;

it corrodes your will, unaware;

one at a time, a good nightmare.

as the surge, feels like the kings;

sending power jolts in the nerves;

and the wicked force possesses you;

fiery eyes, burn-down looks of you.

it spikes n spikes, darkness throne;

higher and higher, emperor's throne;

till the wicked force gets hold of you;

slaying thoughts, wicked force in you.

immortal strength, by the wicked force;

infinite mist, owe it to the wicked force..

we are all blinded time and again... some with challenges, some with responsibilities, some with sadness.

the wicked forces never die.. they just disappear and reappear, time n again..

when they appear, they'll close down all doors, it doesn't matter how much you want to yell..

your voices will be muffled.. won't be heard..

and when they leave, well.. they don't so easily, unless you push the limits..

and they are just dormant.. dormant, till there is strength and a little smile.

i love the sea

my head is in a fog, as I stand in sand kicking you;

then when the sand clears, and I regret the kicks;

not to be restrained, a fine gentleman are you,

it’s when I try to contain you, and start the tricks.

I am angry, I am pensive, I come to you for words;

as I return disappointed, you keep ignoring me;

every time, expecting the bliss, but it just jades;

festering, exploring, you just keep testing me.

on some days, I just want to tell you how happy I am;

on days, I earn to tell you what I am going through;

and then some days, exhausted, I just sit with you,

yet I always feel, it never makes a difference to you.

dejected I trod along the shores, talk to me sometimes;

elated if I feel, I want to share the sudden spiritedness;

you lash at me, you withdraw from me, you drain me;

every unified drop, shows the disintegrated part of me.

It’s not just once that I felt like hugging you forever;

but I know the barrier, you are great and I am small;

I look at you, and i see the world as a dot behind you,

you don’t look at me, the dot standing ahead of you.

you don’t flinch, phlegmatically you recline on the bed;

i can never understand your enormity, nor the thoughts;

days will elapse, my agonies will turn into faded memoirs;

all golden behavior will smoke away one day for sure.

paranoid, but I’ll keep coming to you, no matter what;

you keep waving, I’ll spoil my cheeks, dry and leave;

I like you, the sea, and there are no two ways about it;

I like you, the sea, maybe I just don’t know I am naïve.

not a word more than this, I like you, the sea, very much;

I like you like never before, and nothing will change much.

godspeed 3

continued from godpseed2

before I got on with the day’s work, I remembered G’s supposedly parting words, a day ago. "You’ll believe me tomorrow, godspeed!"

i had intentions of listening to some music, not facing it.

I stopped pondering in a minute as usual, and got on with the day..

148th Ave is a beautiful drive, this time of the year. the drizzle, seeping drops on the shield, the colorful road ahead. it’s like playing NFS (if you like it) alone on those forest-style drives, with no time to beat..

the drive is somewhat less beautiful, if you have a sudden disturbing intrusion of G beside you. for once i imagined, "howdy, dude?" "dandy, u moron!" but just a thought..

G gave me the smirking look at this thought of mine hinting something like, "get out of here... you and your thoughts!" i had forgotten, G read my thoughts before i thought of them.

it just sat there silently, not speaking… i was humming my songs before G arrived.. and now i didn't know what to do… so i just continued humming… a little time elapsed, and then a little more. i was wondering, "what the heck! is my office eluding me?"

it seems G was not in a mood to speak.. that is a little bit of a problem. because all these years, i have always enjoyed the company of great talkative people who spoke much, behaved funny n weirdly, were famous, and ensured i could scrape through quietly in their company, without ever being put in a spot or sticking to worldly stuff. sometimes people never knew i existed or thought i might be 'dumb' literally.. i mean 'literally' too.

G smiled… it enjoyed the talkativeness of my thoughts. i stopped enjoying the scenery around me, and was about to hit the freeway.

G opened the moon roof without bothering to ask/look at me, and started looking at the skies. then a smile and then the roof being closed. this is where i avoid saying, "come on! speak up! say what you came to say, don't do funny stuff."

the drizzles changed to pounding rain all of a sudden, then stopped, it brightened increasingly, decreasingly, it became cooler and cooler and then suddenly the lights dimmed... the sky turned orange...

now, either i was hallucinating or had gone crazy (i don't know the difference).. it was a perfect evening setup... i thought "what the ...." i noticed i had traveled just a couple of blocks but in the opposite direction it seems… the street numbers were decreasing instead of increasing..

and all this happened in a few seconds.. i noted down the time and was confused to see, it showed evening 7 p.m. same day.

i had set out in the morning... probably i was getting immune to strange things or always, felt at the back of my mind, that something like this can happen. so i didn't react at all.

i waited for G. G waited for me... i said, "now what? office or home?" at that moment i realized, i was on the other side of the road and already returning for home.. i should admit i liked such work days, and cherished the brief feeling of returning home. It seemed G disagreed with that thought. then i got a call from my friend... i answered, "yo..cartoon, 'sup?"

she said, "what's up? you were supposed to ping me today for the plans.. where were you all day?" i said.. "you tell me.... i have no idea.." "do you ever talk sense? anyways, i will meet up with you in an hour.. see ya then.. stay home."

"what plans? who was she? what ping?" i didn't expect these questions from G and it lived up to my expectations.. G was not the interested or curious type, it seems. it is always a little annoying for people to find fellow people in a conversation, who have utter disinterest.. i have always found it a little amusing, for some reason. Such people end up as strangers or couples.

back to the crux, and i was still clueless on the purpose of G n it's visit.. but it was new.. i began thinking, what happened to my food, work, other activities today.. how does the day just zap off...

G interrupted my thoughts, n said "i need to explain a few things to my higher ups, for what I did."

i said, "what now?"

and then the coveted second set of G's words.. "i just forwarded the day for you.. it was a very very jinxed day from you people's perspective, trust me. right from the time you hit the freeway.. the bad exit, flashes, corrupted words, critical appointment, and the misunderstanding with your friend.. "

i said, "ow oww.. hang on! i never entered the freeway.." G said, "yeah, of course you didn't."

i knew my last recognizable memory was going to office.. but i knew, some weird deja vu' feeling meant that, some moments in between were corrupted, lost, erased or something.. it is difficult to think, when your brain doesn't co-operate in your thought process..

its like a dream, where you remember everything when you are dreaming and lose count of every scene when you get up.. so much, that you begin to think, if you even had a dream..

i had a weird feeling about all this.. but somehow things looked okay, as i looked around.. back to the pleasant road, but G was gone.. i tried to convince myself that, i didn't believe in G... i am not very good at convincing myself over such crazy things..

the boy who spoke silently

this is something of a bizarre-relation to what my friend told me about 5 yrs ago. she told me that "all the events of this world", "all the restless beings in this world" and "one satisfied person, enjoying his life moments" are connected somehow and the "ignorant person" is the master. i never understood what she meant, probably because she explained to me, something like below..

here goes nothing...

what the mortals seek, oh they don't wish;

for afraid they are, on grant of the wish,

spotless beauties have run the world so far;

bizarre, the merry go round has come so far.

on his verdict, the world moves fast flips;

carving way, fanatic respect, to the boy;

inter-twined fingers, indexes on the lips;

king-maker, who is he? immortal is the boy.

moving mountains, slashing blades answer to him;

shrinking down, he turns normal, when in town;

little time on Earth, little elsewhere whim;

grand scheme of things, the boy wears the crown.

the bodies revolve, we crack our brains to find;

the answer to every event and all the events;

its all figured out, laid out, the mist n blind;

pity of ignorance, drive of mind, drive the quest.

the boy has a lone room, a theater and the Game;

of stories and fame, the boy must not ever think;

just keeps playing in a cube lighted on all four;

every moment, drives silently, the world's brink.